Adventures in depression

            Sometimes, I get incredibly sad for almost no clear reason. Although no one has sliced open my skull to observe its contents, I’ve been told that it has to do with a chemical imbalance in my brain likely passed down genetically. While I’ll readily admit that I am human and therefore subject to these genetic laws, I’ve never found that diagnosis to be a satisfying answer to why I feel so empty at times.

            Even though I feel my depression has no traceable origin, I hypothesize that the answer is much more concrete. One major component of my depression is this constant state of alertness, awareness which almost nears paranoia. Although I’m sure that many people think I’m completely scatter-minded and oblivious, I often feel that people are watching every slight twitch or faux pas I make, silently judging my character or competence. To the contrary, I can tell you that I don’t consciously think this, but it’s always residing in the back of my mind.

Anyway, I attribute this alertness/oversensitivity to a possible evolutionary strength. Think about it: in a society more reliant upon quick responsiveness to change, who will more likely succeed: the paranoid type, consistently aware of his surroundings or the less observant type? I think I have made the answer rather obvious, but paranoia can be a good thing in the right context. However, more and more of the world is becoming sedentary due to the growing conveniences that modern technology provides. At least in the U.S., we arguably have a slight sense of stability whereas many human societies in the past experienced constant turmoil (although I should acknowledge that long pleasant periods were often interspersed with said turmoil). Hyper-alertness can be an undoing in relatively stable times.

I’ve also heard many people link depression to creativity and/or intelligence. They point to the numerous amounts of actors, artists, musicians, scientists, philosophers, etc. who have been diagnosed with the mood disorder. I’d be interested to know if there’s an actual correlation there. If such was the case, that would explain why I’m so brilliant and talented. Ha.

I know this may seem like a rather banal usage of the scientific method although I’m only really making vague hypotheses here. I should mention that depression really does affect a person. I may seem to be making a cold analysis of what I think is going on in my brain, but the disorder really does impair a person’s outlook on life and will to go on from day to day.